The following is satirical (but it could happen)
Israeli Mossad agents used too many explosives in a Gaza car bombing today and blew up the world. Israeli Major General Yoav Galant told reporters that only 12 armed militants were killed in the blast, but Pentagon experts believe the death toll could be much higher. “The Pentagon is a biased, anti-Semitic radical left wing organization,” Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said in response to the allegations, “Their findings cannot be taken seriously.”
The target of Saturday’s covert mission was Hamas sympathizer Wollah al-Yannishwayshway, whom Israel had long suspected of owning at least one copy of Beyond Chutzpah, the hotly-contested book by Norman G. Finkelstein, the DePaul University Professor whose works the World Zionist Organization has condemned as “manifestos of hate.” A yoga-instructor by trade, Al-Yannishwayshway was believed to have not only voted for Hamas in last January’s Palestinian parliamentary elections, but Israeli officials think that he at least thought about buying Finkelstein’s latest book.
“It’s a tough one,” General Galant told reporters last month, “But we’ve hired a team of monkeys to go through internet records. So far we’ve found convincing links through an obscure Web site called ‘Google,’ and there might even be leads to an ‘Amazon.com.'”
Israel was on high alert in the weeks preceding today’s blast, and sought measures to secure the thoroughfares of the state’s major cities. “Dude, it was like, fuckin, a mind job!” IDF checkpoint soldier, Josh Cohen, told Reuters last week. “You wouldn’t believe how many dark people come through here. It’s almost like, whoahÃ¢?Â¦ and, some of them are Jewish. Like, who knew?!”
Meanwhile, Israeli animal rights activists were up in arms over Mossad’s “feckless” tactics, according to the Tel Aviv-based Anonymous for Animal Rights. In a flash statement that was issued seconds before their offices disintegrated in a white blaze, the group stated, “This is an abomination of human error. We are gravely concerned that the already depleted reserves of indigenous Asiatic Wild Ass will soon cease to exist.” The statement also expressed concerns about Antarctica’s penguin population, and several cockroach species in Queens, New York.
Reached on his ranch in Crawford, Texas, U.S. President George W. Bush commented, “Explosion? What explosion? Israel has a right to defend herself from tur.”
Although calls to his office went unreturned, days before the incident, British Prime Minister Tony Blair literally launched a new wave against The War On TERROR (TM). In a press conference last Monday, Blair said, “It is my honor to announce that we have dispatched a battalion of Her Majesty’s Royal Fusilier Forces, in an inter-galactic search for terrourists. We will leave no star unturned, no moon un-buggered. There are bound to be space-wogs out there, and we will bring them to justice!”
Blair’s announcement came on the heels of reports of rising oil prices and British complicity in covering up another U.S.-led massacre of civilians in Iraq. [BNN]
(Photo: Her Royal Majesty’s Intergalactic Fusiliers)