Top Ten Lists of the Summer

Top Ten Signs You’ve Chosen the Wrong College

10. “First ten students are offered jobs as professors”

9. “Latin motto translates to ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter'”

8. “‘Kollege'” is spelled with a ‘K'”

7. “All that’s in library: paperback anthologies of ‘Garfield'”

6. “The Dean’s List salutes students who’ve slept with the dean”

5. “All buildings covered with ivy…on the inside”

4. “You’re constantly being acosted by Al Qaeda recruiters”

3. “‘Philosophy’ lectures are based on that day’s Jerry Springer Final Thought”

2. “Most notable alumnus? Fema director Michael Brown”

1. “You ask about the college endowment …and the admissions officer drops his pants”

Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming

10. NASA mission to turn down the sun’s thermostat

9. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos

8. Fast track Rumsfeld’s “Colonize Neptune” proposal

7. Convene blue-ribbon committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem

6. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over

5. I dunno—tax cuts for the rich?

4. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone

3. Switch to celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37

2. Keep plenty of Bud on ice

1. Invade Antartica

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Job

10. “It’s a 12-hour commute each way”

9. “You know the guy who refills the ketchup bottles in the prison cafeteria? You’re his assistant”

8. “You’re Courtney Love’s Publicist”

7. “For insurance purposes, Boss personally administers a daily physical”

6. “Sign outside your door reads, ‘Jim’s Office/Men’s Room'”

5. “You’re taken to and from work in the trunk of a car, blindfolded”

4. “Word ‘throb’ appears with surprising frequency in job application”

3. “You’re working on Labor Day”

2. “Your name is George W. Bush (I’m Sorry, that’s a sign you’re doing a bad job)”

1. “You’re the idiot who has to change the gas prices on the sign every 5 minutes”